9

1

Holding Onto My Phone

Holding onto my phone

texting every person that I can think of.

Calls declined and message mized,

feels like drowning in a bathtub.

The exit is above me

but I can’t get up to breathe

and eventually I die

but at least I would die trying.

And right now feels like a mess.

All because of some tests

now I feel like a failure

because I needed some rest.

And I know I’m obsessed

with being as perfect as I can

but at the rate I’m going

it isn’t going to plan.

So I look into the mirror

at my tear-covered face.

Stare down the girl I used to know

watch her go at her own pace

but her pace isn’t fast enough

just like when she was younger

but nowadays baby steps

can get you into hot water.

I stare into my own eyes

and the words I say are a surprise

the letters fall out my mouth:

“I hope you feel better.”

Meltdown

The aircon’s too loud,

my mouth won’t shut.

I’m so stressed out,

I’m out of luck.

The walls aren’t closing in

they’re getting further apart

and now I’m stuck

in the endless void.

Too much noise.

Too many little things.

Too much stress

and pressure in my brain.

Too much cold

and old dilemmas

that feel new once more.

Too many tears

that feel cold

as they run down my face.

It’s all too much.

It’s so much that I’d rather

curl up in bed

and lie and rot

until I die as no one

who did nothing in life.

System overload,

there’s too much going on

for this small body to handle.

Too much for her big heart to hold.

Too much for anyone like her

to even behold.

But those who are not

see it as a menial task,

one of many to accomplish

while she lays and cries

and wishes she dies

because of a simple assignment.

It’s a

meltdown.

2

Self-help

I’m always thinking about everyone else.

I do everything that I can

to make sure others are pleased

yet when I plead and cry for mercy

no one cares to listen.

When I can’t survive

the rollercoaster of life

it’s an inconvenience to others days,

not to mine.

They’re all annoyed

that I can’t function normally.

They don’t want to live it again

so I guess we’ll all play pretend

and live in our heads

where the past wasn’t as bad –

it was only a bump in the road.

Because certainly this isn’t.

The minor damage that I received

equates to that of a tsunami in their eyes.

I’m in search of a book,

or a video or article

that will show me how to love myself.

I’m looking for something,

anything,

anyone

to teach me some self-help.

Red, Blue, Green

Red, blue, green

I can’t be seen

as the music screams

guiding those around me

into a circle of tapping feet

and swaying arms,

but I sit here silently

because I’m too shocked to dance

3

Freedom at last

Closure is a blessing,

yet simultaneously a curse

because I can’t tell

if it makes this better or worse.

But with the flashing lights

and music burning through my ears

I want to stay in the moment,

I want to stay right here.

Old songs seem new,

nostalgia flows through my veins

and I don’t need to dwell on

what they could have became

a triggering moment

because now all it triggers

is the feeling of freedom

that has been trapped for so long.

But what if I wake up tomorrow

and feel all blue

because it all seems too good to be true

and I don’t know how I’m supposed to react.

While I’m trapped in a state of euphoria and disco lights

what if this high only lasts through the night?

What if by the time I see the dawn

this feeling would have been long gone?

And with so much to do,

what if it goes wrong?

But on the contrary, things should turn up,

I don’t need to be afraid of what it was

because that all it is,

it’s what it was,

and now I can maybe get a fresh start

now I can turn a new page

New Years Day

The new years’ just begun

But new ways aren’t on my list

cause she looked me in the eyes

and told me I made it.

Now the tears are streaming down

and amidst the joy and cheers

I burrow in their arms

for the first time this year.

I’ve lost all hope.

New year, same me,

cause every time I say otherwise

the year goes badly.

As the too-hot chocolate burns my tongue

I look at how much I’ve done

and how hard I fought against defeat

Now on January 1st,

It’ll just repeat.

And that is all that New Years Day means to me.

4

Of all the stars in the sky

you’re the brightest in my eye

soaring through the night

bringing light to all around you.

If I were to die

I’d pray I die by your side

as I couldn’t imagine living a life

without you.

My oh my,

the sky has never seemed as bright

as the day you graced my vision,

my spark in the night.

And my eyes will never shed

as many tears as it would

if you ever were to

leave my field of sight.

The walls are bleeding,

the cupboards are crying for help.

The screams echo throughout my room

and I can’t control myself.

I’m

So

Angry.

So angry it feels

like a volcano bubbling

in my stomach.

So angry the realisation hits

that’s this worlds fucked up.

So angry that profanity

just isn’t enough.

So angry, so angry.

And in anger, I am stuck

5

I Can't Talk Sometimes

I can’t talk sometimes

I don’t know why

but when my brain is freaking out

it tends to rhyme.

And I’ve made some new friends,

I’m grateful for them

and in this ‘safe haven’

I thought I could play pretend.

Pretend I could be like anyone else.

Pretend I could be less stressed,

but it seems this situation

has put me to the test.

I thought I was doing well

and I guess I still am

but this day didn’t really

go how I planned.

Too much socialising for me,

that’s what it seems

and maybe a little rest

won’t be so dreary.

It’s scary how quick the brain

can change its course

but of course I’ll get through it

I just need to find the source.

Of all the stars in the sky

you’re the brightest in my eye

soaring through the night

bringing light to all around you.

If I were to die

I’d pray I die by your side

as I couldn’t imagine living a life

without you.

My oh my,

the sky has never seemed as bright

as the day you graced my vision,

my spark in the night.

And my eyes will never shed

as many tears as it would

if you ever were to

leave my field of sight.

6

The walls are bleeding,

the cupboards are crying for help.

The screams echo throughout my room

and I can’t control myself.

I’m

So

Angry.

So angry it feels

like a volcano bubbling

in my stomach.

So angry the realisation hits

that’s this worlds fucked up.

So angry that profanity

just isn’t enough.

So angry, so angry.

And in anger, I am stuck

7

Fearless

By Dayika Naidoo

Do you know

How hard it was to get to today

But I survived

I’m capable, in my own way

And it’s a miracle

That I’m walking everyday

‘Cause they said when I was born

It wouldn’t go that way

And don’t you know

All the words about me I’ve heard

Engraved and stuck in my mind

After all those months and years

I still think about them every time

And little did you know

Sometimes I find it hard to sleep

So I just think about the

Little special thing about me

So just know

You don’t scare me

You can come at me

Kick and punch me

I’ll fight you back

Determination and Courage

Are all you need to stay on track

And just know

I promise

You’ll never break me again…

So try to bring me down

And try to make me scared of you

After a long day of life’s unfairness

Cause I can just move on

I’ll sing my song

Cause after all of this

I’ve become

Fearless

I used to wonder of the cause

But now I’ve realized

It’s cause of all the things I’ve been through and survived

And I can still do it forever

Till I die

So go toy with your own problems

And back off from mine

I’m invincible

And incredible

And I’ll show you my pride

You don’t have to treat me differently

Cause really I don’t mind

I’d like to be treated like a normal kid

Even if I’m different I know I can still win

Do you know

All the pain I’ve felt through this time

And just thinking about it

Makes me want to run and cry

But I can be strong

For longer than a while

But just know

Now it’s my time to shine

Do you know

All you say won’t leave an affect

Cause trust me when I say

I’ve been through more then that

In one single day

All the terrorizing trauma

I’ve went though

All the drama of yesterday

So your little “Comments”

Won’t bring me down

Tommorow or today

So just know

You don’t scare me

You can come at me

Kick and punch me

I’ll fight you back

Determination and Courage

Are all you need to stay on track

And just know

I promise

You’ll never break me again…

So try to bring me down

And try to make me scared of you

After a long day of life’s unfairness

Cause I can just move on

I’ll sing my song

Cause after all of this

I’ve become

Fearless

I used to wonder of the cause

But now I’ve realized

It’s cause of all the things I’ve been through and survived

And I can still do it forever

Till I die

So go toy with your own problems

And back off from mine

I’m invincible

And incredible

And I’ll show you my pride

You don’t have to treat me differently

Cause really I don’t mind

I’d like to be treated like a normal kid

Even if I’m different I know I can still win

So don’t tell me to back down

For safety reasons

Cause with what we know

We know that we’ll still be breathing

And we’ll just carry on

We’ll sing our song

Cause after all of this

We’ve become

Fearless

So try to bring me down

And try to make me scared of you

After a long day of life’s unfairness

Cause I can just move on

I’ll sing my song

Cause after all of this

I’ve become

Fearless

I used to wonder of the cause

But now I’ve realized

It’s cause of all the things I’ve been through and survived

And I can still do it forever

Till I die

So go toy with your own problems

And back off from mine

I’m invincible

And incredible

And I’ll show you my pride

You don’t have to treat me differently

Cause really I don’t mind

I’d like to be treated like a normal kid

Even if I’m different I know I can still win

I know I can make it

Cause I’ve become

Fearless

8

I have this problem –

it’s been there since I was young.

I can’t even say the words –

they get stuck on my tongue.

I run though the winding corridors

fluorescent light shines down

I shiver from the cold

from the snowflakes on my gown.

Looking for an exit,

one that cannot be found.

Trapped in a loop

going ‘round and round.

Eyes darting

to the white walls that glow.

Footsteps echo down the hall –

I was too slow.

“Will they ever let me go?”

They pin me to the ground

as they cover my mouth

I don’t make a sound.

“Leave me alone!”

The man doesn’t hide his scoff,

and in one swift motion

he rips the band-aid off.

I wasn’t ready for it.

(Thanks to my friend Kai for helping with this one <3)

9

The village of flames

It takes a village to raise a child

but what happens when a child is exiled?

Shunned by others for their soul;

something that they can’t control.

It takes a village,

then takes some more.

Helping the others from door to door.

But the child not embraced by the village

will burn it to the floor.

The child not embraced by the village

will never utter its name –

never talk about the past,

never talk about the pain.

The child abandoned

will learn to fend for themself

with strategy and precision

or will fall, in need of help.

But no one comes to help them.

So when you are in need

the child will remind,

“Nobody ever helped me.”

So when in desperation

when You are about to drown.

The child would rather play with fire

and burn the village down.